Tag: self care

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How to put yourself first: Meeting your own needs

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Meeting our own needs is something that we all struggle with. For some people it’s just mystifying, for others it gets messy when they are in a relationship. It can be really difficult to put ourselves first. The first question we need to ask ourselves is, how were our needs met when we were growing up?

Our needs are the fundamental things in life, the way we were fed, the comfort, the support we were given and how we were treated when we were frightened or upset. It’s also how we were encouraged, or allowed to make choices for ourselves. For instance, if we were always told what to do, what to eat, denied an opinion, had our choices ignored or worse, we were belittled, then we become very used to others making the decisions and providing for us. We might even start to become fearful about making a choice or expressing a need because of the reaction we might get from someone. These patterns then become ingrained in us, they become second nature and we don’t realise how we’re operating. It means that we start to rely on others to either make these decisions or choices for us, or we learn to read others and second guess what they might want. The problem with that is, is that other people can be very unreliable and we end up feeling frustrated about not having a say, without really knowing why. Sometimes we might actually know what it is we want, but instead we give clues to other people hoping that they will pick them up. If they don’t, it then becomes frustrating and it reinforces the idea that we are invisible or we don’t matter, suddenly we don’t know how to put ourselves first.

It can be really infuriating when we are actually presented with a choice, but we have no idea what to say or do. We really beat ourselves up about it. It can also make things quite limiting, if we can’t make a choice and always defer it to others, then we can’t protest if we don’t like the outcome. When we can start to recognise this and notice what our patterns of behaviour are, then it becomes easier to spot them and it gives us an opportunity to work on them. Some people find that they are quite good at meeting their own needs when they’re on their own, but this then gets disrupted when other people get involved.

So how can you put yourself first and start meeting your own needs?

Our needs cover so many different areas of our lives, so it’s easier to break them down into smaller chunks to explore. Emotional needs can feel a bit daunting as a starting point, they can also be more complicated and affected by a lot of different things. If we start with a need that’s easier to pin down and quantify, this can be a good place to begin working on them.

If it’s not too much of a triggering subject, then you could start by looking at food and your relationship to feeding yourself:

  • Firstly, you can look at how you can tell when you’re hungry. Are you eating at set times, because that’s what you’ve always done, or are you eating when your body is actually telling you it should eat?
  • Do you eat differently when you are alone? If so, how differently and is it the way you like it?
  • Do you cook more and make more effort for others, more than you do for yourself?
  • Are you making what others would like?
  • Are you eating the amount that is right for you, and at a time that suits you, or are these things regulated by others? In other words, are you putting others needs before your own? If so, then you are minimising your own needs.

We can take a moment to just be curious about that

  • Consider what it would look like if you put your needs first. What reaction do you have to that prospect?
  • How much sleep do you need?
  • What time would you like to go to bed and what time would you like to get up?

What’s getting in the way?

If the reality of what you actually do is long way off from what you would like, then it’s worth wondering about what’s getting in the way.

  • When it gets to the time at night you have identified, what stops you going to bed?
  • If it’s cold, do you put the heating on exactly when you need to, or do you wait until it’s freezing? Would you put the heating on earlier if someone else was there?

If we really struggle to identify our own needs, knowing what is right for us and why, then putting boundaries in place is going to be really difficult. If other peoples needs take priority, then we will have our boundaries dismantled really easily. It’s very easy to get lost and end up feeling controlled, or even just insignificant, which does nothing for our self worth or self esteem.

It’s really beneficial to consider what our needs are and what our relationship to ourselves is like, it allows growth in so many different areas. We often do things in a certain way just because that’s how it’s always been, when we take some time to consider different options and choices, it can open up all kinds of possibilities.

Some people express a worry that this will be seen or lead to selfishness, it won’t. It’s not self-obsessed or self-indulgent, it’s about getting the right balance and getting a say in what is right for us. It’s about taking responsibility for ourselves and not needing to be so reliant on others. It’s never selfish to discover more about ourselves and grow in confidence, it just makes our lives and the lives of people around us easier.

Our body work course that recently went live is packed full of different ways you can learn to recognise your own needs and build a strong, connected relationship to your body. It’s the best way to learn how to put yourself first and meet your own needs. We designed it to make it accessible and easy for everyone to use and do, and we wanted to create something affordable for everyone. To check it out, click the button below.

The body work course

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How to build a better relationship with your body

Categories GrowthLeave a Comment on How to build a better relationship with your body

Most of us have a lot more critical things to say about our body than positive things. The more critical we are, the less we want to pay attention to it, we would much rather ignore it. We are bombarded by images of perfect bodies, we are surrounded by information about nutrition and exercise. We measure ourselves against other people and usually find ourselves lacking. We will have received a lot of criticisms throughout our lives, maybe even insults. All of this makes it hard to have a good relationship with our body.

However, it’s in our body that everything to do with action or feeling takes place. We feel emotions through our body; that flush of warmth when we feel a deep connection, we talk about things warming our heart or things that makes our blood run cold. Our body is how we experience feelings and life events, and we need it to work as well as we can. Our memories are largely based around things that affected us emotionally. We remember how we felt at the time and the events associated with it. The more we can feel what our body is telling us and how it’s reacting, the easier it is to ground, regulate, feel safe and connected.

We can find out so much by listening to what our body is doing right now, in this moment.

  • If you take your awareness to your breathing, how are you actually breathing right now? Try not to be judgmental, just be curious.
  • Follow a few breaths in and out, how slow or fast is it?
  • How deep or shallow is your breathing?
  • Where can you feel the movement as you breathe?
  • Do you notice any criticism coming up? Any negative thoughts like, you should be breathing deeper? Try to put any negative thoughts to one side. Your breathe is working, it does this all day and never stops, without your help.

You can also try thinking about something that you really like:

  • Picture it, remember all the things you like about it.
  • Now follow a few breaths as you picture it, has your breathing changed?
  • Has it deepened or expanded? If it has, would you be willing to give your breathing this nice image once a day so it can breathe deeper?
  • If not, why not? Ask yourself what’s stopping you? It could give you a clue about your relationship to yourself and your body.

If you don’t want to give your body something that resonates as a good experience, then you may have beliefs about not deserving good things. You may believe that anything good has to be earned the hard way. Whatever your response is, it may reveal a lot about your relationship with your body and therefore yourself.

Building a relationship with our body is about finding ways to connect and feel into it, getting used to noticing and paying attention to it. The more we can listen, the easier it becomes to look after it and know what it needs. The better connection we have with our body, the easier it becomes to improve our relationship to it.

Our senses can be a good gateway of waking up the connection in a mindful way. By mindful, we mean something being felt purely as a sensation rather that what we think or believe about the sensation. When we use our senses it’s easier to be curious. If we take temperature, and use hot and cold, we can close our eyes and feel the sensations of hot and cold through our hands or feet. We can feel how these two sensations gets relayed through our body to our brain. You can then ask yourself how you know if you prefer one to the other. What is it about these sensations that is comfortable or not so comfortable? We can do the same with smell. Being curious what it is about certain smells that we like or don’t like. We can notice how our body responds and reacts to different smells. Our relationship to these things can help us explore the whole concept of a relationship, why some things are pleasurable and some are not, all of which is experienced through our body.

If we can learn to read and trust what our bodies are telling us, then it can really help us know what’s good for us and how we really feel about certain decisions we are making. It’s such a different and clearer process than just trying to work things out in our head. Often we make a decision but have no idea how we will feel when we act on the decision. If we could visualise the enactment, then we will have a much better idea of how we’re going to feel once we’ve done it.

So many phrases are based on body experiences, that’s no coincidence. ‘It sent shivers down my spine’, ‘it made me sick to my stomach’, ‘I should have listened to my gut’. If we really want to listen to our gut, we have to be able to listen to what our gut is telling us. The better relationship we have with our body, the more likely we are to trust it, and not just let our head override what we are feeling.

This doesn’t dumb us down or take anything away from our clever brains, it’s the exact opposite. It’s a bit like, instead of having a two dimensional take on things, now you have three or more dimensions. Who wouldn’t want that?